Bridge Over Terry Waters

So, you have all been requesting a take on the affair which has grasped a nation of footballer fans. A nation disgraced in ways no-one would have believed. First by their football captain. Then by their international left-back. And now by the fact that the male population seems to be infused in a topic usually only ever covered by “Heat” magazine. Not that I ever stoop that low and actually read it... However, it appears that I cannot evade the issue any longer.

Bridge and Terry are both extremely well-paid England International football stars. Bridge was best-man for John Terry at his wedding. Terry himself won “Dad of the Year” last year, beating my own Dad who came a close second, 3rd was Robert Mugabe (but that may have been slightly rigged). Both gentlemen appear to have everything, including very attractive WAGS.

Now, call me cynical, but I have seen better looking objects stuffed at the Natural History Museum then both Terry and Bridge. As for their brains, “stuffed” does not do them justice, empty does. One of the first things you ever learn at secondary school is that the most “attractive” girl in the year is undoubtedly a canine of the female variety. The one problem with being such a good footballer though, is that neither Terry nor Bridge will have attended much of secondary school, therefore meaning that neither man ever studied integration or differentiation.

This fundamental lack of education, not necessarily of the maths kind, basically means footballers generally choose the most attractive girl that happens to “fail” to realise that the unattractive, badly educated man they are “chatting-up”, is actually a loaded footballer. Money and fame is all that these girls want, their ability to get it in any way possible rivals those of the characters in the musical Chicago. And after seeing the result from the Tiger Woods saga, it seems only natural that even Bridge’s girl, after a quick whip-round, would be able to add her brain cells together and reach the conclusion that she could sell her story to the paper and achieve the second of her lifetime ambitions. Her parents must be so proud.

However, maybe I am wrong. Everyone makes mistakes. Terry made plenty at the weekend against Man City for instance. As for Bridge he has gone off in a huff and retired from the English national team, but really it is because he knows Ashley Cole will play ahead of him anyway. Who coincidentally, has managed to lose an attractive, faithful wife whose one fault is that she cannot pronounce “L-Oreal, because we’re worth it” with any class. And I thought my blunder of having a Big Mac for breakfast was bad.

So, where does England go from here? Terry has naturally been stripped of the captaincy, yet something I personally find utterly bewildering, is that his replacement is Rio Ferdinand. At least Terry made his slip-up outside the realms of football; Rio “unfortunately” missed a drugs test, something that directly affects the sport as a whole. Other candidates were Gerrard, only recently cleared by the court on suspicion of assault, and inform, granny loving Wayne Rooney, who is also currently attending court for monetary reasons. So, evidentially the only real solution is to make Saint David Beckham the captain once more. No-one even remembers Rebecca Loos.